Explorer

• Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. - Ambrose Redmoon

• Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

There is talk of replacing the word “recovery”. It isn’t exact, descriptive or adequate. It misses. I don’t mind it but I don’t like it. I was reading – a blog, what else? – and it hit-not-missed-me: explorer. That’s what I am, an explorer. Sure, we’ve heard about explorers in consciousness, in mind, innerly, inside-beyond, mental. Trips. It grabbed me: explorer. I’m looking for something I can’t lose. I almost lost it. I’m snow blinded and underfed. I’m supposed to be finding out but I am actually losing in. I didn’t lose “it”. I lost myself. I was lost, now I am finding. No records of value are kept. I have no map that isn’t burning. I’m not a suitcase, I never packed. I’m not alone, the terminal is full, the lines follow the horizon at right angles. I’m going in corners. Instead of limping around the point, let’s cut it all loose. I am an explorer, a random discoverer, and I am lost and wish to remain so.

I reject that in this world madness is a distinct or important reality. Interestingly some of the greatest criminals in history were not insane and nor were the minority that permitted them with their apathy to let the crimes be perpetrated at length. It takes a madman to kill one man and a sane man to kill one hundred thousand. I reject the description of a Hitler as “insane”: he was at the apex of sanity. He saw clearly that the collective conscience is scarred with its own cruelties, and that it can be used. The insane are at the edges. Like hungry dogs existing on the scraps of the sane, but important for their explorations beyond and behind – and inside – the Saneworld. I disdain Saneworld: it is known. It has nothing to teach me and by stumbling out of it and into the explorer role I glimpse freedom from the sane and their dreary and self-important cruelties.

If this sounds radical it is because you hear it only from habitual sanity. I am nothing to lose. I love when they say, “It’s all in your mind”, as though the predictable stupidities of Saneworld are less deluded. Unless you’re like me I am bored with you and that makes us about square. What makes me laugh is that one is mad, acts mad, and then is accused of and denigrated for being and for their madness. And that the sane are blind to their own insanity. It’s highly amusing and remarkable that the supposedly sane are so crippled with self-importance over their superior mental state. Yet we are all explorers. My exploration is of your madness, to know and feel it. Yours is to be sane and rejoice in it. I don’t need as many reasons for things: a taste of freedom. You want answers, which I have, but no questions, and so no context. What do I need answers for? I am an explorer of the unfindable and blind.